I’d go to a party: heads I’d have fun and feel connected, tails I’d feel even more lonely and get too drunk. I’d go to the gym: heads I’d break a personal best, tails I’d pass out during a lift. I’d go on dates: heads I’d enter a strange world of obsession, tails I’d feel more passion for the bar’s interior design than for the guy sitting across from me. So much of life seemed like flipping coins. Each day required complete submission to the odd laws of probability.
I’m reminded of what Ron Funches said about getting divorced... “I successfully graduated from my first marriage”.
What helps me when I get anxious and ruminate-y about all the mistakes I’ve made is forgiving myself. I take a deep breath and say “I forgive you” and try to change the topic in my own mind. It’s not a silver bullet, and it’s not like I just do it once and then I’m cured. I have to do this a lot. But I do find that it lifts a little of the weight of shame and grief, helps me stand up a little straighter, and out me in a more compassionate and kinder frame of mind.
Thank you for sharing this essay; I recognized a lot of myself in it.
"Playing at a life with no chance of disappointment or failure is not playing at much all. At best, it’s playing at an artificial little game constructed inside one’s own head.
I no longer care much about those. I want to play at the real one. I want to lose at the real one."
This one feels like it was unearthed straight from the heart <3.
I’m reminded of what Ron Funches said about getting divorced... “I successfully graduated from my first marriage”.
What helps me when I get anxious and ruminate-y about all the mistakes I’ve made is forgiving myself. I take a deep breath and say “I forgive you” and try to change the topic in my own mind. It’s not a silver bullet, and it’s not like I just do it once and then I’m cured. I have to do this a lot. But I do find that it lifts a little of the weight of shame and grief, helps me stand up a little straighter, and out me in a more compassionate and kinder frame of mind.
Thank you for sharing this essay; I recognized a lot of myself in it.
"Playing at a life with no chance of disappointment or failure is not playing at much all. At best, it’s playing at an artificial little game constructed inside one’s own head.
I no longer care much about those. I want to play at the real one. I want to lose at the real one."
This one feels like it was unearthed straight from the heart <3.